Picture on the left is of Whittaker at 21 months; picture on the right is of Harper at 8 1/2 months. The outfit is size eighteen months.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
This is where it begins, the stop-light on the corner of N Tarrant and HWY 377. My heart begins to quicken as we make the right turn to head south on 377 towards SuperTarget (A). Not New Bursey Road, not the turn in between CVS and Chick-Fil-A, my heartbeat is picking up pace and beginning to ignite other physiological reactions of anxiety... not even the one between Chick-Fil-A and Burger King (COME ON!! I am screaming in my head), now passing Chili's, he's going to pass it altogether, does he even know where he is going?? I am outright clenching, toes, fists, jaw... probably my *cheeks* since they are now lifting off the seat while my head is reeling with the question of if he is even noticing what is going on or if he is totally oblivious to the driving laws of efficiency. He is going to take the last possible entrance (then I realize there is one more a bit further past SmoothieKing, surely he won't go that far??)
This is the rhetoric that went through my head every time Barrett was driving us to Target, usually ending in me being obviously agitated and Barrett being confused about my disposition... what just happened?? Why couldn't I just voice it, because deep down, I knew it wasn't right, I wasn't right, but was he right for not taking the entrance that I would have taken??
After numerous visits of frustration or "verbal direction" as to where the SuperTarget is located, I finally just started talking it through. "Barrett, every time we come here, I have so much anxiety about which entrance you are going to take or if you are going to pass it altogether [he nearly did once while telling me a story... I verbally responded out of my anxiety and was followed by Whittaker shouting "Oh Sh*t!" from the backseat... I don't know where he learned that :) ] I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it has and I just need to confess that to you and I need to reconcile that this is the entrance that you prefer to take, regardless if it is the one I would take based on the time of day and traffic. I am sorry that it has been a big deal, that I have made it a big deal."
In subsequent visits, I have to again confess my anxious thoughts and remember that it is OK, that I know what entrance he will take and it isn't a big deal, even though I still experience the same physiological reaction that can only be calmed by rational thought and assurance. Barrett has reassured me, and has even chosen to take an earlier turn just to make my heart happy... and it did, but not just because of the turn, but because he was choosing to reassure me that he listened, that he knows my heart and that he was willing to make a compromise just for the sake of pleasing me based on information he would have never known otherwise if I hadn't just broken down and confessed my crazy obsession.
The truth of it all... they'll never know unless you can responsibly communicate your expectations, not crazy outbursts or worse, silent flustering followed by a "nothings wrong" statement. That doesn't mean my expectations will always be met, but it does give an insight to the one who I truly desire to know me like the Lord knows me. The Lord knows my every thought and desire, but still the communication I have with Him (speaking and listening) allows our relationship to flourish. I find that as I do the same with Barrett and he with me, we begin to willingly meet expectations and offer compassion knowing when they weren't met. Each time it happens, we choose to take another step closer to building a better relationship rather than standing our ground and creating more distance between us. And, because honestly "For Better or For Worse" is too often in the choices we make.