Finding Forgiveness and Restoration...

Found yourself on the receiving end of a heap of news or circumstance that was never on your bucket list?  Or, were you the one holding the bucket and pouring out contents you never wanted in your bucket to begin with and onto the one who you dreamed that you'd always protect and cherish?  Whether it is a recent event, or years ago, you probably still find yourself spinning at times and wondering if this is just your road, worse yet, your destination, and you are just yearning for more than an encouraging word, you need a drop of HOPE.

There are times that I have experienced disappointment or near devastation in my own marriage that my first reaction has honestly not been to turn to the One who can spring a hope that does not fail, instead, my initial response is to connect with someone who has been through something similar and is surviving and thriving: to have a face to face conversation with someone who can relate to the surroundings of the hole I have found myself in but is closer to the surface and has a broader perspective than the narrow view I have from the bottom.  However, through the years I have learned a little more about how the Lord works, and works without fail when I yield to Him first.  Yield to Him and His Word, and as He speaks and leads through the Holy Spirit, He will provide someone who has done the same and has the broader perspective to confirm exactly what He has been speaking to my heart.  And, that is just what He has done time and time again through my friend Cindy Beall.  She has just published her first book about how she found herself on the receiving end of a heart wrenching confession from her husband about a pornography addiction, multiple affairs, and a woman who was pregnant with his baby, yet today their relationship has been supernaturally restored to better than new: Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken.  And although I haven't found myself with the same circumstance, I know well what it feels like to have trust broken in marriage and floundered for years trying to find a way to piece it back together on my own strength.  Once I surrendered to the One who could show me the way, He has brought continued hope from a woman who speaks His truth to glorify God and encourages others searching for the restorative healing that only He can bring.

Reading through the book is like sitting down to have a face-to-face conversation with Cindy on her back porch, coffee with yummy creamer in hand, and a box full of tissues on the table nearby.  She reveals the experience in emotional detail and yet stands firm on the foundation of God's Word of how His truth steadied her and even held her in her times of utmost need.  She consistently points the reader back to the infallible truth that you have to look to and depend on the Lord.  Its not a "How To..." book, as many who have found themselves in a marriage where deception has been revealed know that no circumstance surrounding the marriage is the same, but her writing rests in the promise that "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever" and His PROMISE never fails.

Laughing, crying and inspiring hope for what can be ahead, you'll want to read this and have a few copies on hand to give some hope through a woman's story that ultimately leaves you in awe of how nothing is too big for the Lord!

The Truth of It All

This is where it begins, the stop-light on the corner of N Tarrant and HWY 377.  My heart begins to quicken as we make the right turn to head south on 377 towards SuperTarget (A).  Not New Bursey Road, not the turn in between CVS and Chick-Fil-A, my heartbeat is picking up pace and beginning to ignite other physiological reactions of anxiety... not even the one between Chick-Fil-A and Burger King (COME ON!! I am screaming in my head), now passing Chili's, he's going to pass it altogether, does he even know where he is going??  I am outright clenching, toes, fists, jaw... probably my *cheeks* since they are now lifting off the seat while my head is reeling with the question of if he is even noticing what is going on or if he is totally oblivious to the driving laws of efficiency.  He is going to take the last possible entrance (then I realize there is one more a bit further past SmoothieKing, surely he won't go that far??)

This is the rhetoric that went through my head every time Barrett was driving us to Target, usually ending in me being obviously agitated and Barrett being confused about my disposition... what just happened??  Why couldn't I just voice it, because deep down, I knew it wasn't right, I wasn't right, but was he right for not taking the entrance that I would have taken??  

After numerous visits of frustration or "verbal direction" as to where the SuperTarget is located, I finally just started talking it through.  "Barrett, every time we come here, I have so much anxiety about which entrance you are going to take or if you are going to pass it altogether [he nearly did once while telling me a story... I verbally responded out of my anxiety and was followed by Whittaker shouting "Oh Sh*t!" from the backseat... I don't know where he learned that :) ]  I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it has and I just need to confess that to you and I need to reconcile that this is the entrance that you prefer to take, regardless if it is the one I would take based on the time of day and traffic.  I am sorry that it has been a big deal, that I have made it a big deal."

In subsequent visits, I have to again confess my anxious thoughts and remember that it is OK, that I know what entrance he will take and it isn't a big deal, even though I still experience the same physiological reaction that can only be calmed by rational thought and assurance.  Barrett has reassured me, and has even chosen to take an earlier turn just to make my heart happy... and it did, but not just because of the turn, but because he was choosing to reassure me that he listened, that he knows my heart and that he was willing to make a compromise just for the sake of pleasing me based on information he would have never known otherwise if I hadn't just broken down and confessed my crazy obsession.  

The truth of it all... they'll never know unless you can responsibly communicate your expectations, not crazy outbursts or worse, silent flustering followed by a "nothings wrong" statement.  That doesn't mean my expectations will always be met, but it does give an insight to the one who I truly desire to know me like the Lord knows me.  The Lord knows my every thought and desire, but still the communication I have with Him (speaking and listening) allows our relationship to flourish.  I find that as I do the same with Barrett and he with me, we begin to willingly meet expectations and offer compassion knowing when they weren't met.  Each time it happens, we choose to take another step closer to building a better relationship rather than standing our ground and creating more distance between us.  And, because honestly "For Better or For Worse" is too often in the choices we make.

June 11, 2004

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY!

Love- Conditional or Unconditional?

I would love to hear your comments on this, claimed or anonymous!

So I was reading on one of my favorite blogs this morning about one of my most passionate subjects to discuss...love in our most intimate human relationship. Here is my take on it.

Spousal love is not involuntary, it is easy to love someone else when we are "feeling" loved, appreciated, pursued. We don't "fall" into love. We choose to love. We choose to love before we know all their faults, all their past and current sins (and the ones we'll find out in the future), before we know they shut down when they are stressed, that they like to fart at the dinner table, and most of the time before we know if they'll love us back. So when all the things we didn't know about them come to light, we choose to love them because they make us laugh, because they love our kids, because they know when we are upset or hurt, because they let us fart at the dinner table :), because they are gifted by God, because we stood in front of our family and friends and made a covenant with them and with God to choose to love despite the circumstances. We aren't perfect either, why would we hold them to that standard? Love them. Make the choice.

Getting Real...

Hi All,

For any of you who read this who have experienced deep pain and heartbreak in your marriage and have lost hope of how it can be restored or know of someone right in the midst of dark time, then please read the blog posts this week of my good friend Cindy as she begins today to tell the story of her marriage. The blog link is located on the right side of this webpage, or just click on the link below.

May you be covered in protection and smothered in hope!!

http://cindybeall.wordpress.com

love,
mel

I'm so proud

Been listening to the new Cross Timbers Worship CD called Arrival (a Christmas album) this morning while I was puttering around the house cleaning. I'm not sure when they go on sale, but you can listen to a few songs online at:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=270808395

Barrett sings on two tracks on the CD, the one on the website is "Angels We Have Heard On High".